This is a list of all the objects which were contributed by readers of rec.arts.int-fiction and will be included in Something That Happened.
Can of Cola
An aluminum can, emblazoned with the various trademarks of Generic Cola Incorporated. It appears to have never been opened. <If the player is carrying it, add this:> By the weight of the can, it would seem to be full.
If shaken once, it will spray soda all over the next person who opens it -- unless the player waits 15 turns, in which case it will go half-flat. The player can shake it a second time, after which it will go completely flat when it wears off. Any more shaking will have no effect.
If the player shakes the can while it's already shaken up, it will explode violently.
The empty can can be used to carry liquids -- and it may even be possible to trick an NPC into believe it contains Pepsi, while in reality you've filled it with, say, Scrapple.
Admiral Jota (jota@mv.mv.com).
Bacon Tree (in keeping with the meat nature of the game)
This is a small tree, akin to bonsai trees, with timy rashers of bacon hanging from the branches.
If you keep it too long, the Bacon Tree Aveging Ninjas leap out from behind something and get you (maybe it shouldn't be a bacon tree, but a ham bush <groan> :)
Aquarius (s.i.langridge@durham.ac.uk).
Vial of beige gel
The vial is about three inches long and perhaps half an inch in diameter, it is (nearly full | half full | almost empty | slimey with traces ) of a beige-colored gel with an oily smell that can really clear your sinuses.
=) If smeared on a piece of beef, it can be used to glue a cow back together.
Larry Smith (lcs@zk3.dec.com).
The Black Plague
If it weren't for the rather ominous warning label, you would assume this jar is empty. As it is, you hope that what is in the jar stays there.
>look at label
The label contains a large red Biohazard sign (the cool one that looks like the Radiation Hazard sign, but with more curved spiky things). Written beside it are the words:
"WARNING! This jar contains a sample of the Black Plague. Breaking the seal will result in nausea, headache, and death from internal hemmoraging."
Well, the special properties should be obvious from the warning label. Though perhaps they forgot to mention that when the jar is heated, the lid expands faster then the glass and breaks the seal (or something like that).
Hmm, I've just thought of a puzzle:
*** SPOILERS ***
You toss the jar to the <insert monster name here>. It catches it easily, and glances at the label. "Black Plague! Hah, you fool! I know all about the Black Plague!" It rips the label off in disdain, neglecting to read the rest. "I'm IMMUNE to internal hemmoraging!" The <insert monster name here> confidently tosses the bottle into its huge jaws and crushes it.
>wait
A strange expression crosses the face of the <insert monster name here>. "Oooh," it groans, "What a headache! I've got to go lie down!"
The <insert monster name here> leaves.
Also note that the warning label is still here, so you can maybe stick it on another jar to fool somebody with.
Joe Mason (joe.mason@tabb.com).
Small blue thing
This is a small blue thing, made of china, made of glass. It is smooth against your skin, it is curiously round. It is watching you.
Can be made to watch other things (tvs, people etc) to various effects.
apologies to Suzanne Vega :)
Tangle (boutel1g@razor.wcc.govt.nz).
A bowling ball
Your basic, medium-weight, nicely polished bowling ball. There are only two things of note about it. First, it is colored a hot pink, with silver stars. Second, unlike human bowling balls, it has two thumb holes.
Dan Shiovitz (scythe@u.washington.edu).
You see a can of fruit cocktail here.
> X CAN
The can has a dark green paper wrapper which says "Fruit Cocktail - In Heavy Syrup." Turning the can over, you see that the can would give you about 14% of your Recommended Daily Allowance of Vitamin A. That's good to know.
> OPEN CAN
(with your bare hands)
You struggle to open the can with your bare hands, fruitlessly.
> GET CAN OPENER
Taken.
> OPEN CAN WITH CAN OPENER
The opener bites into the lid as you squeeze it. You twist the handle and the lid slowly comes up. Your efforts have borne fruit!
Inside the can you see fruit cocktail.
> EAT FRUIT COCKTAIL
Ohhhh, that sweet goodness. You sigh as the juicy chunks slide down your throat. A bit of juice dribbles down your chin. You feel refreshed and invigorated.
Kenneth Fair (kjfair@midway.uchicago.edu).
your darklight
Standing in a corner is that old darklight you brought back from the negative universe a couple of years ago. Looking for all the world like a normal flashlight it shines a beam of utter blackness when switched on, a negative radiance which obliterates almost every other light source.
> EXAMINE DARKLIGHT
It looks like any sturdy flashlight. It's made of some sort of white rubber which is comfortable to grip.
The fact that you can see it implies that it is turned off...
OR
Although it appears to be switched on, you can see it, so it most not be working. Perhaps the batteries have gone fully charged...
Special Properties: Should be obvious - it extinguishes all other light sources (except perhaps bright sunlight and similarly intense light, which it dims considerably instead). Additionally, it takes flat batteries, which it charges up until it they're fully charged and hence useless to the flashlight. Furthermore, it tastes of banana ice-cream (though you can't eat it).
I call it a flashlight here - although I prefer the noun 'torch' I don't know how well that goes in the non-native versions of the almighty English language.
Den of Iniquity (dmss@york.ac.uk).
The envelope
It is an envelope addressed to the Editor of the Daily Chronicle. The stamp carries a picture of the King; his eyes follow you as you move the envelope, and it looks as if he's smirking as well.
>OPEN ENVELOPE
Unsurprisingly, inside the envelope is a letter.
>READ LETTER
That's odd... Although the envelope was addressed to the Editor of the Daily Chronicle, the letter is to a local plumber demanding that he unblock a blocked drain. It is written on very expensive and utterly repulsive purple paper. The signature is illegible.
>BURN LETTER (or burn the envelope, or expose either to naked flame)
WHOOMMMPH!! It bursts into a huge fireball and in a few moments is reduced to ash. Whoever wrote it must have soaked it in something very combustible.
John Elliott (elliott@teaching.physics.ox.ac.uk).
Frogburger
A perfectly normal example of junk food containing cheese, tomatoes, salad, a frog (naturally), extra onions, ketchup and vanilla sauce. Delicious!
Except that the frog is still alive, of course. 8)
Cornelius Goetz von Olenhusen (5olenhus@rzdspc5.informatik.uni-hamburg.de).
A can of 'instant friction'
a small gray spray can
Any two objects which are sprayed with the contents and placed in contact _will not_ slide against each other, although the substance will not prevent them from being pulled apart.
Mark J. Tilford (mjtilfor@artsci.wustl.edu).
Vat O'Lard
No surprises here: an industrial-capacity drum of industrial-grade pork lard, painted bright pink. On its side is stenciled the winking face of a less-than-well-known cartoon pig. The manufacturer's name is absent, probably at the request of their lawyers.
> look in vat
The vat is open, and brim full with creamy, oleaginous, congealed, LARD! Such bliss!
> get lard from vat
You joyfully plunge your paw into the brimming vat, and come up with a big handful of lard!
> look at lard
Which lard do you mean, the handful of lard or the vat of lard?
> handful
It's a handful of lard. Go, have a ball.
> look in lard
Which lard do you mean, the handful of lard or the vat of lard?
> vat
Plumbing the depths of the lard, fathoming its glutinous mysteries, you think you spy a dark object, buried about a yard deep in the plentiful pork by-product...
Roger Giner-Sorolla (giner@xp.psych.nyu.edu).
"Life" Grid
>x panel
The gray panel contains a five-by-five grid of squares, with a small round indentations in each. The columns are labelled 1 through 5, and the rows are labelled A through E. There is a red button on the bottom, labelled "cycle". The top of the grid is labelled "The Game of Life." Doesn't look like anything by Parker Brothers, though.
>x grid
There is nothing on the grid.
>Put a penny on the grid
Where on the grid do you want to do that?
>B3
You put a penny on the grid. It fits into the indentation perfectly.
>Put a penny at B2 and a penny at B4
You put a penny on the grid.
You put a penny on the grid.
>x grid
The grid has pennies on it, as follows:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 A - B * * * - C - D - E
>push button
(on the grid)
The pennies on the grid have been rearranged. In fact, you might not have the same number you started with.
>x grid
The grid has pennies on it, as follows:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 A * - B * - C * - D - E
>put a penny at D3
You put a penny on the grid.
>push button
(on the grid)
The pennies on the grid have been rearranged. In fact, you might not have the same number you started with.
>x grid
The grid has pennies on it, as follows:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 A - B * * * - C * * * - D - E
>push button
[same thing]
>x grid
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 A * - B * * - C * * - D * - E
>shake panel
Anyway, you get the idea. The grid will play "Life" with your pennies. A handy way to increase your cash flow for something or other. Of course, _I_ wouldn't want to code up such a beast,.. ;-)
(Of course, Cardinal, if you wanted a player to be able to mess with something else, the pennies are by all means negotiable, as are the messages if you want it to act differently,...)
Lucian Paul Smith (lpsmith@rice.edu).
A disembodied nose
The flabby rubber prosthetic is a sniffer of elephantine proportion. Cryano de Bergerac would be jealous.
When worn, the extended nasal canals improve the sense of smell threefold, while also providing an amusing disguise in a pinch.
Russell L. Bryan (russbryan@earthlink.net).
pin-ring
This is a large ring with a pin sticking off of it. It rather looks like it sould be holding a grenade together. This is usually on your keychain where it serves countless useful purposes.
Some useful purposes to which it has been put: when off the keychain it awkwardly servicible for popping the lid off bottles; it came in quite handy that time I wanted something to stir the liquid zinc; on a number of occaisions it has served well for engraving text into things; it is well suited for pushing recessed buttons or manipulating dip switches; and there where a couple of times it kept my fingers clean by probing messy gearing for me.
Eli the bearded (Elijah) (bgriffin@ic.sunysb.edu).
a purple space-hopper
Yowzers! You haven't seen one of these since the late 70's. It's all pumped up and ready to go, the chunkily drawn monster face just daring you to grab those horns, straddle the tough plastic globular body, and bounce and bounce and bounce. It's enough to set your thighs a-quivering in gleeful anticipation. And, it's purple too! Bliss.
Hey man, it bounces, what more do you want?
Julian Arnold (jools@arnod.demon.co.uk).
The Scrapplizer stands here, lord of all it surveys.
[I stole this last bit from Gareth's queen description in Alice in Wonderland. A bit of interactive plagerism, if you don't mind.]
>examine scrapplizer
The scrapplizer stands seven feet tall -- a mass of black metal, shimmering blades, and twisting pipes. A crude etching of our favorite stuttering cartoon pig stares blankly at the world from one side of this monster. Above a large opening, "Scrapplize here" is written in what appears to be pig blood. A large red button is just to the left of the orafice.
>i
You are carrying a darklight.
>put darklight in opening
Done.
>press button
For a few awful seconds, there is nothing but silence. Then, as a panel descends to cover the opening, a low hum seeps from the depths of the machine. The panel seals the darklight inside. Almost immediately, you hear a nervous grunting sound, continually growing louder and more lifelike, until it is suddenly cut short by a high pitched squeal. Grinding, splattering, chopping, and squelching -- *PING* -- the panel opens. Inside, you see a plate of freshly made scrapple.
>get scrapplizer
The scrapplizer is far too heavy to lift, but in your attempt to do so, you nudge the machine forward a few inches. Apparently, there are rollers of some type underneath.
>look under machine
The scrapplizer sits a half an inch off the ground, supported by four rollers. You also notice a dipswitch, currently set on "sc".
>examine switch
The dipswitch has two settings: "sc" and "de".
>flip switch
The dipswitch is now set to "de".
>examine machine
The scrapplizer stands seven feet tall -- a mass of black metal, shimmering blades, and twisting pipes. A crude etching of our favorite stuttering cartoon pig stares blankly at the world from one side of this monster. Above a large opening, "Descrapplize here" is written in what appears to be pig blood. A large red button is just to the left of the orafice.
The opening contains a plate of freshly made scrapple.
>press button
For a few awful seconds, there is nothing but silence. Then, as a panel descends to cover the opening, a low hum seeps from the depths of the machine. The panel seals the plate of freshly made scrapple inside. Almost immediately, you hear a whirring sound, followed by an excited grunting, which is suddenly cut short by a surprised snort. The panel opens. Inside, you see a darklight.
>push machine n
You push the machine to the north.
Scrapple Factory
>flip switch
The switch is now set to "sc".
>enter machine
You hesitate for a moment and then crawl into the dark orafice.
>press button
You press the button and quickly bring your hand back inside. For a few awful seconds, there is nothing but silence. Then, the panel closes, sealing you off from the outside world. In the darkness, you hear a low hum. Your body begins to convulse. The compartment echos with nervous grunting, the source of which you determine to be your own snout. Pain shoots through your body as you scream ....
Everything goes black.
You awaken, feeling somewhat different.
>diagnose
You are a freshly made plate of scrapple.
Might being a plate of scrapple useful? Might the descrapplizer work on bacon and other pork products from "Amongst the Sausage Trees"? If the machine falls from a great height, what might be found inside? I leave these and other unanswered enigmas of The Scrapplizer to you, oh holy and all-knowing Cardinal of silliness..
Jeffrey F. Miller (jeffmill@ix.netcom.com).
The good ship Lollypop
>object description
You wonder how on earth anyone managed to shrink the thing down to a carryable size, let alone where it came from.
If you "LISTEN TO SHIP" you can hear a tiny voice yelling, "Help! Get me out of here!" Shaking it will result in loud screams, followed by silence. If any way is found to shrink down to the ship's size or to increase the ship's size, the player will find either a) Shirley Temple or b) a greasy smear on one wall, depending on whether or not the ship was previously shaken.
Stephen Granade (sgranade@phy.duke.edu).
the soup cans of destiny
[In four different varieties: tomato, alphabet, chicken noodle, and minestrone]
Ready-to-eat <variety> soup, the kind that comes in a red-and-white can. You have the inexplicable feeling that this can of soup is terribly, terribly important. Perhaps it just reminds you of the famous painting by the famous American artist who painted famous soup cans.
It can be opened with a can opener, and the soup within eaten or drunk. Bringing all four cans to one location causes any NPCs in the area to stop whatever they're doing and begin furiously arranging and re-arranging the cans. The letters in the alphabet soup could provide a clue for another puzzle.
Steven Howard (blore@ibm.net).
odd-looking spam [in the Harbor of SpamHalla]
> examine spam
I'd really rather you didn't.
> examine spam
Okay, okay... this is forty ounces of processed meat product, with a glisteny, pinkish-green tinge, shaped into a cube -- truly the Spam That Was Never Meant to Be. If you look closely at it, you swear you can detect faint, amoeba-like movement.
> smell spam
Your nose elects not to.
> eat spam
*** You have died ***
> take spam
Uh-oh.
> drop spam
It's kind of adhered to you.
> i
You are carrying <for example>:
Yes, it's a fancy adhesive. Perhaps the Nordic Pork Priest can provide a safe way of carrying it (i.e. such that it can be dropped).
:)
Peter Scott Rogers (psrogers@owlnet.rice.edu).
You see a set of tap-dancing shoes here.
> x shoes
The six tap-dancing shoes are very very small, less than a millimetre long, and red. They look as if they'd fit you perfectly.
> diagnose
You are a perfectly healthy worker ant.
> wear shoes
[taking the tap-dancing shoes]
You slip on the shoes. They feel comfortable, but a little awkward to walk in.
> dance
You tap-dance briefly, making little noise on the soft earth.
Well, I know you're an ant at some stage. Tap-dancing in the shoes on a hard surface will make a considerable noise (well, considerably louder than an ant could normally make, anyway) - maybe this could be useful?
Dylan O'Donnell (dylanw@demon.net).
A towel
This is not one of these magical towels that will get you lifts across the galaxy, ward off evil monsters, feed you when you're hungry or even help you make you dry. It's just an ordinary election-day gift towel with Branko Collin's face on it and the faded message: "Vote Branko".
DRY MYSELF WITH TOWEL
The towel is too moist to make you dry. The effect is rather the reverse.
??? TOWEL (???=an activity of which I don't know the english word, but it's the activity of taking a wet cloth by two ends and twisting it until all fluids have left it. IOW, the towel first looks like ===== and during the twisting like oooooo).
No fluids seem to be able to escape. The towel is still wet.
Branko Collin (U249026@vm.uci.kun.nl).
>x shirt
The t-shirt is purple and blue. It appears to be of the type that changes colour according to its temperature. It also has one of those pictures you have to stare into to see a three dimensional image.
>x picture on shirt
You strain your eyes, and eventually pick out an image of.... (you choose Cardinal :-)
>wear shirt
You put on the shirt. Its colour gradually changes with your body heat.
>wait
The shirt is mostly purple now.
>x picture on shirt
You strain your neck to see the picture, but after a short while you again pick out an image. It appears to have changed with the new colours. This time it is a ..... (again I leave this to your discretion)
David Dyte (ddyte@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au).
A doovoo doll (of you)
Voodoo dolls, according to legend, allow one to inflict all sorts of horrible tortures on the person they resemble by inflicting them on the doll. A doovoo doll, on the other hand, is a lot more useful to the guy whose mug is Magic Markered on its face; any bad stuff that happens to him happens to the doll instead. At the moment, your face beams back at you, making you feel a lot more secure. The missing left arm reminds you of the close call with that chainsaw.
Any disaster that happens to the player is averted by the doovoo doll as long as (a) the doovoo doll is still reasonably intact (it'll save you from being incinerated-- once) and (b) the doll isn't caught in the disaster with you (better not have it on your person if you get crushed under an elevator or something...)
Fred Michael Sloniker (lazuli@u.washington.edu).
Yellow yoyo
An innocent-looking round plastic object with a string attached.
Can be yoyoed (sp?) at people or things, but isn't likely to hurt much, unless you embed razor blades in it first or something. Can be yoyoed at nothing in particular to pass the time.
David Fletcher.
Lead Zweihander
This zweihander (German for 'two-handed') is a five-foot long, wide-bladed battle sword, used by German knights who enjoyed swinging it, unbalancing, and tumbling down four flights of castle stairs. This particular zweihander is made of pure lead - a strange choice of metal for a weapon, considering that lead is commonly known to be very heavy and soft.
The zweihander contains many nicks and dents, as though someone has fallen down stairs with it a great many times.
Don't swing this thing in small rooms or nearby large drops.
Sean Givan (a4el@jupiter.sun.csd.unb.ca).
<grins evilly>
>x bizarre object
It is some sort of tool, similar to a bottle opener. On its side is written "FrobozzCo Sausage Peeler".
What the heck you want with a Sausage Peeler, I'll leave up to you, Cardinal.
Gerry Kevin Wilson (whizzard@uclink.berkeley.edu).
Freedom
Freedom lies on the floor just where you left if. But it seems to have swallowed innocence in the interval since your last passing, making it more tenuous than ever. It sits smouldering, a blob of dry-ice fog. You think you can touch it, but it seems undisturbed as your hand passes through.
George Jenner (george@TeleMatique.org).
Julian Arnold (jools@arnod.demon.co.uk).