This is a list of all the characters which were contributed by readers of rec.arts.int-fiction and will be included in Something That Happened.
The Four Hitchhikers of the Apocalypse
>Examine Hitchhikers
Before you stand the imposing figures of Politics, Munchies, Common Cold, and Near-Death Experience--the lesser-known, and often tardy kin of War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death, otherwise known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. One can only suppose that the relative fame of the two groups is related to the speed of their respective modes of transportation.
Politics wears a navy-blue Brooks Brothers suit, is rail-thin, photogenic as hell, and shoots you a smarmy smile.
Munchies is wearing a badly-stained grey sweatsuit that barely contains his hefty paunch. He is unshaven and is carrying a bag of Fritos and a pint of premium ice-cream.
Common-Cold is dressed in a threadbare, blue terrycloth bathrobe. The pockets of the robe contain a multitude of used and unused facial tissues. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy, his face is flushed, and his nose is beet-red.
Near-Death Experience wears a loose, flowing, almost gauze-like gown. Around her neck is a quartz crystal pendant. Her face bears the most serene expression you have ever seen. She seems uninterested in the world around her.
Michael Gehm (mgehm@phy.duke.edu).
>LOOK
You are in one of the many demented locations in the Silly Game. Searching fretfully, a man with a cord sticking out the back of his neck almost engages you in conversation, but backs away shyly at the last second.
>X CORD
The cord grows out of the base of his skull. Suntanned human skin, instead of plastic, covers the wires inside. Copper leads stick out from a squareish knob of bone at the end of the cord--(Engraved?) on the bone are the letters "th3-15F".
"Please don't touch that," the man says noncommitally.
>X MAN
A few seconds' examination reveals--Good Lord! This man has a keyboard on his ample forehead! Worse yet, it's a Dvorak! You shudder to think of the perverse sense of humour that bestowed this soul with such a diabolical torture device...And then you retch all over his shoes.
"Thanks, idiot!" he taps the letter 'i' on his forehead.
>TALK MAN
"My name is Aserty, and I have know idea why."
>TALK ASERTY
"You know how it is... Join the Army, we'll pay for your college! Yeah, right!"
or
"I don't s'ppose you've got any aspirin? I've got the most terrible headache..."
or
"It's not really so bad...my last girlfriend was a secretary. Ooh Yeah, press Alt again baby!--Sorry, lost myself for a second."
Anyway, that's the general idea. I'm sure Aserty could be connected up to something, or he would be useful somewhere, or maybe you could reunite him with his evil lab-twin, Mowse.
Brad O'Donnell (s7m6@romulus.sun.csd.unb.ca).
Bertha, the Muse of BS, is here.
>x bertha
A large woman wearing a greasy apron and a hairnet, Bertha used to live on Olympus with the other muses. That was before the downsizing began, when many of the lesser muses were let go. Now she wanders the earth, bestowing the gift of blarney to any and all who need it, and working as a short-order cook when times are hard.
>bertha, hi
"Hey, hon," she says, taking her cigarette from her mouth. "What'cha need, a term paper? A business presentation?"
She is, of course, the ultimate authority for anyone needing to talk/write about something they know nothing about.
Stephen Granade (sgranade@phy.duke.edu).
The Bug
Sticking to the ceiling is one of the oddest creatures you have ever seen. A squat, chitinous body, eight legs terminating in what look rather like balls of clay, and an eyeless head that swivels back and forth as if the creature were somehow watching you anyway. Three sets of spidery arms project from the front of the creature, each tipped with three finger-like tendrils. The thing is abuot six feet long overall.
> say hello
The bug executes a complex gesture with its multiple limbs.
> n
The bug follows you, remaining on the ceiling.
You are at the pit.
> take rope
Taken.
> throw end of rope to bug
The bug catches the rope. It seems momentarily puzzled, but then grips the rope tightly with all six limbs and scurries to a point directly over the middle of the pit, where it seems to hunker down and brace itself.
> swing over pit
You reach the far side of the pit just as the bug is pulled loose from the ceiling. It drops into the pit, still holding the rope. The rope goes taut in your hands.
> pull rope
The rope goes slack.
> look in pit
The bug is scuttling up the side the pit. It reaches the lip on your side and continues up until it is once again straight overhead.
> shine darklight on bug
The bug is shrouded in darkness.
> n
You are in a wide cavern. The ceiling is shrouded in darkness, but the ground is covered with stalagmites and brilliantlycolored flowstone.
> turn off darklight
You are in a wide cavern. The ceiling is covered with glistening stalactites and curtains of flowstone, and the ground is covered with stalagmites and brilliantly colored flowstone.
There is a bug sticking to the ceiling among the stalactites.
The bug is based on a particularly weird character a friend of mine made up for an rpg game we were in many years ago. It is called an "ishviceneesht" and it's a highly intelligent being with a strongly pacifistic outlook. It is quite blind, but it generates an electromagnetic field that gives it the equivalent of omnidirectional sight out to a distance of about ten meters. Ishviceneesht communicate using a gesture langauge that no human will ever speak without a severe speech impediment. The creature really cannot see colors, nor does its form of sight enable it to see shadows - the world is all one shade of grey - but it is therefore quite at home in the dark and would not notice the darklight at all. It's propensity for remaining on the ceiling keeps it out of harm's way, it could be potentially useful to the player as illustrated in the hypothetical puzzle above, but it's primary use in the game might be to work with the darklight to accomplish something that cannot be done by the player without light. I will leave the up to your imagination. Other notes: the ishviceneesht has a dry, noodging sense of humor - it loves gentle but humorous practical jokes, and it is agoraphobic - it hates being anyplace where its electromagnetic sight cannot find a wall, which means it will refuse to go outside or into very large caves.
If you need a game purpose, the ishviceneesht is an explorer carrying out a survey for an orbiting ishviceneesht starship. Once it has completed its objective by observing a local intelligent life form, it will return to its landing craft and blast off - perhaps leaving some useful piece of information or artifact for the local. Ishviceneesht like everybody, so they form friends easily.
A friend of mine once drew a picture of an ishviceneesht communicator - it was a flat box with an ultrasound scanner in the front, a pole sticking straight out to be held in the mouth, so all siz arms were free, and it had six tiny jointed metal arms sticking out of the sides. Too bad the competition for silly objects is closed...
Larry Smith (lcs@zk3.dec.com).
>Examine CEO of Apocolypse Foods
Dressed in a dark blue, smart-looking, double breasted suit, the rather rotund Chief Executive Officer of Apocolypse foods is leafing through purchase orders behind a gargantuan mahogany desk. His jowls quiver as he mubles to himself.
"Half a ton hog parts ... four hundred sausage peelers ... fat forest clear cutting ..."
He stops cold. Slowly his eyes raise to meet yours.
"How the hell did YOU get into the refrigerator?"
>Examine suit
In the right hand pocket of his jacket, you notice a map of Dallas, Texas.
The CEO shouts toward the open door behind you. "DENNY! Is this a business prospect or a product sample? "
>z
The CEO waits for a reply from the doorway. He receives none. He looks at you quizzically, pokes your stomach with his index finger, and says in the most polite tone of voice imaginable, "Well, are you staying for dinner?" He grins.
>unscript
Scripting off.
If this character is useful, go to it. I've only provided a skeleton. If he doesn't fit, feel free to chuck him. I see him as a cornerpiece to some dark conspiracy involving meat by-products, assassinations, deforestation, and refridgerator gelatin. Do what you like!
Jeffrey F. Miller (jeffmill@ix.netcom.com).
Dee-Dee the dog is here.
> examine dog
Dee-Dee is a rather plump English Bull Terrier. She is predominantly white with black ears. She waddles towards you looking expectant.
> stroke dog
As you stroke Dee-Dee she emits a strange grunting noise. At first you think she may be growling but soon you realise that it is a canine form of purring. Your stroking is helping Dee-Dee to shed and you rapidly acquire a handful of short white hairs.
> feed dog
You offer Dee-Dee [any foodstuff - even scrapple!] and she wolfs it down with great delight. Her tail wags furiously as she looks up at you with adoration. You have clearly made a friend for life.
> n
Dee-Dee waddles after you. She alternates expectant glances at you with detailed exploring of the surroundings (doubtless in search of more food). Her sensitive nose will be able to unearth many tasty morsels you might overlook.
As should be apparent, Dee-Dee is very motivated by food. Once you have fed her she will follow you almost anywhere (but not through water). If you are quick enough you may be able to retrieve edible objects she discovers before they are completely devoured.
Dr. Geoff T. Parks (gtp10@bootes.cus.cam.ac.uk).
>x easter bunny
He has grey fur with some isolated black patches, long white whiskers and is almost four feet large. An aura of serenity and wisdom seems to surround him. You gather he's one of those anthropomorphic personifications one hears so much about lately, except, if you stop to think about it, he isn't really anthropomorph and what he is supposed to personify isn't exactly clear either. It would probably be impolite to ask, though.
He holds a brush in one paw, a pallete in the other and looks speculatively at a pile of white eggs.
>take eggs
The Easter bunny taps your hand with his brush, leaving a small red smudge, and you withdraw it quickly.
"They are for the children." he admonishes you gently.
The Easter bunny selects one egg and begins to paint it.
Cornelius Goetz von Olenhusen (5olenhus@rzdspc5.informatik.uni-hamburg.de).
The Healthy Eating Refrigerator
[No, this isn't an object or a location in disguise]
Standing against a wall is a large glistening black refrigerator, taller than you are.
>EXAMINE REFRIGERATOR
As you approach the refrigerator, green lights appear on its smooth black surface at eye level. "Good morning, sir or madam," it says in a smug robotic voice. "I am a Gozzidge Corporation Healthy Eating Refrigerator. My sole concern is the healthiness of your diet." The refrigerator does not appear to have any door or method of gaining access to its interior.
>ASK REFRIGERATOR ABOUT (portable object)
"I am afraid that I cannot tell you about that unless I can examine it closely. A well-balanced diet is essential for good health." replies the refrigerator.
[The refrigerator can be given whatever conversational abilities you like, but it should append advice on healthy eating to its replies.]
> { GIVE | SHOW } SCRAPPLE TO REFRIGERATOR
You hold the plate of scrapple out towards the refrigerator. A hatch slides open and a telescopic arm grabs the plate of scrapple, drawing it back inside. The lights briefly turn amber, and the refrigerator delivers its verdict: "I am sorry to say that this substance has no nutritional value and may even be harmful. For your own benefit I will have to confiscate this item. This unit is now ten percent full. An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
[ If something inedible is given to the refrigerator, its response will be the same. If something which might actually be vaguely healthy is given to it, such as a glass of water, its verdict is:]
"This substance may just be acceptable as part of a balanced diet."
[and it gives it back. There is no way to recover confiscated items. Once the refrigerator reaches 70% full, it starts to move around. While it does not actually follow the player, it drops in from time to time.]
Blue lights appear on the front of the refrigerator, and a low hum is heard from its interior. It begins to shimmer and within a few seconds has vanished.
...
With a quiet humming noise, the refrigerator ripples into existence.
[Once the refrigerator reaches 100% full...]
"...For your own benefit I will have to confiscate this item. However, why not try a delicious vegetarian quiche, packed with top-quality nourishment?"
The refrigerator hands you a quiche.
John Elliott (elliott@teaching.physics.ox.ac.uk).
King Lester, the uninspired
The stories of King Lester, known as the uninspired, the unimaginative, the challenged, and 'the retard', have been far and wide. Scholars of recent history have called him the least impressive king of the Gurglespit dynasty or, for that matter, any other dynasty, in any other land, on any other world. Lester's rule is a fair and prosperous one, but he has never been very happy or popular, mostly because of his overpowering mediocrity. In his drive to become known as one of the great kings, Lester has turned to mimicry. His first attempts were rather sad, and possibly damaging attempts to make the top of his skull flat. He also commissioned the constuction of an enormous dam, which resulted in an abundance of hydroelectric power, controlled seasonal flooding and made the engineer who designed it a national hero and settled a custody battle by threatening to cut the child in half, which just confused all present, until various members of the court told him to sit down and shut up. Most recently he's tried touching various things to see what they turn into (footnote 1) and tried to make himself known as 'the king with the touch that turns things into what they were before, but with a fingerprint on them'. His current stake at fame is a poorly conceived attempt to play 'the wise king.'.
>Examine the king.
His skull looks oddly misshapen. He wears a bandage under his bent crown. All about him are crumpled pieces of paper.
>Take a piece of paper. Read it.
Taken. It reads, "A house divided will be smaller than it was, unless you're dividing by a fraction."
>Footnote 1
- Historian's note - The King was rather surprised to see when he touched a person, it didn't turn into a person with a fingerprint on it, but a person with a fingerprint on it and a pretty good lawsuit on its hands. -
George E. Caswell (timbuktu@wpi.edu).
Hahahaha! You fool! Now look what you've done!
....
>X MAD SCIENTIST
He wears a labcoat with a button on it that reads 'Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow.' His hair, rather than being frizzed out like most mad scientists, is nicely combed and gelled. He has a bit of peach fuzz on his chin.
"Pardon me, would you like some of our literature? Very inexpensive."
>ASK SCIENTIST ABOUT LITERATURE
He gets a crafty gleam in his eye. "Hmm, it's here in my pocket somewhere." Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a watch. "Silly me, that's not it." However, he lets the watch dangle in the air..so pretty..so shiny..so sleepy....
"Zzzzzz..."
>WAKE UP
"Zzzzzz..."
You hear a voice in your head. "Kill the president. Kill the president. You will kill the president when you hear the phrase, 'Your scrapple is ready, sir.'"
>WAKE UP
You wake up. The scientist is gone.
Gerry Kevin Wilson (whizzard@pobox.com).
The Man in the Moon
Falling down from the sky seems to have made him pretty hostile. His gargantuan body, completely made out of delicios green cheese, is shining with an omnious glow.
>SMELL CHEESE
A strong scent, but not repulsive.
>EAT MAN
You take a bite of the cheese and find it quite yummy! There is still enough left to last for a couple of centuries, though.
>AIM DARKLIGHT TORCH AT THE MAN IN THE MOON
He goes into total eclipse and completely disappears from the view!
You can now go north.
Rene Schnoor (remisc@login.dknet.dk).
Ok, a nice easy one, in thanks for the darklight inclusion. And Look! No meat products! (I refuse to take any blame for that - real pasties contain more potato than anything else and I submitted the pastie shoppe before seeing any other examples (food-containing or otherwise) at all.)
Mathematics Graduate
Standing here is a young, clean-shaven graduate in all his robes, clutching a large envelope.
> X GRADUATE
He is in his early twenties, wearing, over his suit, a dark grey gown, hood and mortar, the latter with its tassle bobbing before his right eye. Curiously the coloured border of his hood seems to shift from dark blue to white and back again as you watch it. He is holding a large white envelope.
> ASK GRADUATE ABOUT ENVELOPE
"Oh, that's my degree certificate. I got a first-class degree!" he beams.
[then he will add the following, which also belongs to > ASK GRADUATE ABOUT HOOD ]
"But they did something strange, you see. I got my degree in maths, but they then sealed the certificate in a box with a computer and a printer and set up an experiment with a radioactive isotope or something. After a certain time period the isotope may or may not have decayed - if it did then the computer printed 'BSc', if not then 'BA'. Then the envelope was sealed with the certificate inside it before anyone could observe whether the quantum event - the decay - had happened." He grins. "So until the envelope is opened, I am both a BSc and a BA simultaneously!"
> ASK GRADUATE FOR CERTIFICATE
He politely refuses. "I don't want anybody opening it."
> GIVE [ _meat_or_gelatine_product_class ] TO GRADUATE
He grimaces slightly. "No thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
Den of Iniquity (dmss100@york.ac.uk).
Hmmm... OK, let's see if you can implement *this* one... :)
>DIAGNOSE
You are a perfectly healthy worker ant.
A large green ... 'thing' looks out from behind a leaf. It peers at you curiously.
>X GREEN THING
The blob-like creature appears to have no real shape, undulating like a sea of lime gelatin. The only features that you can clearly discern are a pair of eyes, and a large gaping mouth. As it has no feet, it travels by sliding along a trail of thick, green slime. It appears to be hungry.
The green thing slides out from behind the leaf, and starts oozing toward you.
>N
<Description of new location.>
The green blob follows you hungrily.
>Z
Time passes.
The hideous green shape engulfs you completely, and you are quickly smothered.
*** You have died. ***
>UNDO
Done.
>GIVE SHOES TO MONSTER
As you toss the pair of tap shoes to the creature, it instantly absorbs them. The creature smiles, and then slows metamorphs into a pair of shoes.
>Z
Time passes.
>Z
Time passes.
The tap shoes shake, and then morph into the shape of a hideous green blob.
>X THING
The blob-like creature appears to have no real shape, undulating like a sea of lime gelatin. The only features that you can clearly discern are a pair of eyes, and a large gaping mouth. As it has no feet, it travels by sliding along a trail of thick, green slime. It appears to be satisfied.
>MONSTER, MORPH
The blob smiles, and then slows metamorphs into a pair of shoes.
OK, basically, the creature will follow you around once it has seen you once, and will follow you whether you've fed it or not. It will eat anything you give it, and can then take on the form of that object. Giving it the command 'MORPH' will cause it to randomly transform into one of the last three objects you fed it. Oh, and it can also change its size whenever you change your size, so that it will always be just a bit bigger than you are -- whether you're the size of an ant, a person, an electron, or whatever.
Admiral Jota (jota@mv.mv.com).
Lemme finish off my little Spam room with a description of its Nordic Pork Priest...
<gibberish> is a function which picks out a random number of things from this list: [hurdy, spumdy, spum spum spum, byork, ernd die fumdy, spum, mit, ...] (and so on -- i'm going for a "swedish chef" effect, of course) and prints them out.
The priest, when in the same room as you, will occasionally say random bits of gibberish.
The default action for this NPC is to respond with gibberish.
> x priest
The Nordic Pork Priest is a tall, smiling fellow with a big red beard and moustache. He is dressed in a ceremonial robe (dark blue) and wears a loose garment (pink) under that. On his head is a conical pink cap with white stars and moons on it. He holds a long yellow sceptre which is the shape of a 2"x2"x5" box at one end.
> [touch, kiss, smell, or anything that requires proximity to the priest]
The priest embraces you, kisses you on both cheeks, grabs your hand, and does a bizarrely complicated handshake. He then uses his sceptre to sprinkle you with Spam juice. Great. You smell [more] like spam now.
i'm not too good with puzzles, but here's a try -- if you use a library room:
> look up spam
This pork product forms the basis of one of the world's great Nordic Religions [Full Name: Hurdy Gurdy Spumdy Gurdy]... the basis of the religion is that, after a certain passage of decades, their god ("Der Spum") will return to them upon a flying ostrich <or whatever is handy to use in your game>, and return their land to glory. <etc. as suits>
...
> ride ostrich east
The priest sees you, and his eyes widen. "Der Spum?! Hurdy URDEH!" He stands still for three seconds, staring at you; then he quickly removes his ceremonial robe and pointy hat, putting them on you. "Hurdy der spumdy gurdu," he says with a tear in his eye, and hands you the sceptre. He promptly prostrates himself on the ground.
> x priest
The priest is bowing on the ground, chanting "der Spum" like a mantra.
at this point, you can use the sceptre to turn on/off the adhesive capabilities of the spam (if you have any use for the adhesive spam), and he will allow you to sail the boat out into the harbor (if you'd like a boat in your game).
Peter Rogers.
Okay, the game transcript version first:
Herr Professor Gedankenexperiment is here.
>examine professor
Herr Professor Gedankenexperiment looks back at you with a bemused expression on his wrinkled-apple face. Running a self-conscious hand through his white mop of unkempt hair, he consults the clipboard he wears on a chain around his neck (so he won't lose it, you assume). "No time to chat now. Science cannot wait!"
Professor Gedankenexperiment is an applied theoretical physicist. He's devoted his life to actually conducting all those "impossible" thought experiments you remember from physics class. He's constantly shutting cats up in boxes with randomly-triggered vials of prussic acid, dropping things down infinitely-long elevator shafts, trying to decelerate tachyons below the speed of light, and so on. If he gets his hands on the darklight, he'll start experimenting, trying to derive the "speed of darkness."
Steven Howard (blore@ibm.net).
Soupcan Sally
An enthusiastic fan of the works of Andy Warhol, Sally has been collecting soup cans for fifteen years. She has, to date, successfully built a rather uncomfortable couch, a set of bar stools, and a car with her collection, but she is now working on her tour de force, The Leaning Tower of... well, she's working on the title, but at completion it will be several hundred feet tall and represent a definitive timeline on the history of soup in a can. Her only problem? She is missing one of the foundation pieces of her work, an original 1818 Cream of Anchovy. She would be extremely grateful to anyone who could help her get her project rolling.
Soupcan Sally is of average height, and appears to have been out of the sun for some time. She has a cream of mushroom complexion and a full head of chicken noodle hair, and pinned on her blouse is a huge red-and-white button proclaiming "Never Underestimate the Power of Soup." Her jeans are covered by the crust of at least fifteen soup products, the most recent of which, a stain of New England clam chowder, hasn't quite dried yet.
Russ Bryan (russbryan@earthlink.net).
The Spoiler is here.
> Examine Spoiler
The Spoiler is a middle-aged man, with hair that is grown long down one side so that it can be combed over his still-all-too-obvious bald spot on top of his head. He smells faintly of burboun and cheap cigars, although you cannot tell if the smell comes from his breath or his slightly-stained unfashionable suit.
The Spoiler walks up to you and whispers loudly "You know, Rosebud was a SLED," and sneaks away, seemingly afraid that someone else heard him.
(In the game, the Spoiler would follow the character around, somewhat like the Jester in Zork Zero. Sometimes it would just be to watch the player at crucial locations, giggling to himself at the player's failure to understand a problem. The Spoiler could give away obvious climactic moments from movies and television as in the example above, or give hints to problems in the game that the player has already solved. Perhaps at one point, the Spoiler could give a hint to a crushingly difficult puzzle that the player would not have been able to solve without the "walkthrough" hint.)
Matthew Daly (daly@PPD.Kodak.COM).
Mister Squishy is here.
> examine squishy
Mr. Squishy is a perfectly normal octopus. About five feet long from outstretched tentacle-tip to the end of his bulbuous head. 'His' being a pronoun of convenience, as you haven't the foggiest idea how to tell the sex of an octopus. Mr. Squishy is purple with orange spots, and floats lazily in the air, his huge, soulful eyes on level with yours.
> squishy, tell me about life
"Blort?"
Mr. Squishy turns a pleasant shade of amber, with lime-green stripes.
> give scrapple to squishy
Mr. Squishy disappears behind a rapidly-expanding cloud of black smoke.
> l
You are engulfed in a cloud of noisome black smoke. You can't see a thing.
> z
The smoke clears.
> z
Mr. Squishy peeks nervously out from behind a door, then, with a flip of his tentacles, glides out into plain sight again.
Mr. Squishy turns turquoise.
As is apparant from the sample transcript, Mr. Squishy's color changes at random every few turns. And he seems to be frightened of scrapple.
Paul Trauth (raccoon@gs.net).
Mr Sycophant is here.
>x him
Mr Sycophant looks very pleased to see you here. He is a nondescript little man, wearing a grey suit and carrying a notepad and pen.
>n. e. slay dragon (just an example - I'm not trying to get a dragon in too)
You have killed the dragon!
>z
Mr Sycophant runs in from the west!
"Wow - you killed that dragon. No-one's ever done that before. You're so amazing."
He makes notes in his book.
> get treasure hoard
[Your score has gone up by seven points]
"Did you see that? Seven points, you got there. You must have hundreds by now. Thousands!"
>n
Your way is blocked by a locked door.
"I expect you'll be getting through there pretty swiftly. Look at the way you killed that dragon there, that didn't take you long. Yes, you'll be through there in a jiffy, all right."
>kill mr sycophant
He parries your blow with his notepad, then begins scribbling excitedly, talking at the same time.
"How _do_ you do it? No-one else would ever have thought to try killing me like that. That's what I admire about you, the way you think of everything."
[etc]
Mr Sycophant should become more and more encouraging the longer the player spends failing to do anything. He should harp on about the player's previous successes, especially the most minor ones.
David Fletcher (linc0334@sable.ox.ac.uk).
Undo, the God of Adventurers, is here. He looks bored.
> x undo
Undo is nondescript. He has absolutely no distinguishing features, and you can imagine his blending into a hundred situations without being noticed. Nothing shows of the awesome powers of deus ex machina at his command. Two small robots, labelled on their outer casing SAVE and RESTORE, cluster behind him.
Undo is carrying a lamp, a bunch of keys, and a bottle.
He looks bored.
How can you awaken Undo's interest? What awesome meta-game abilities will he bestow on you? What is in Undo's bottle? (Not just water, I can assure you).
For the answers to these burning questions, wait for Cardinal Teulbach's exciting game, coming to an ftp site near _you_ sometime before the release of Avalon, or the Last Trump, whichever is the sooner.
Dylan O'Donnell (dylanw@demon.net).
A young lady strolls in from the west.
>x lady
The lady wears faded jeans and a t-shirt with the slogan "Meat is Murder" on it. She is carrying an empty packet labelled "Rice Cakes."
>lady, hello
"Hi. My name is Jane. Do you know where I could get some food round here?"
>give jelly to jane
"No thanks. That contains animal products. I am a vegan."
>give bacon to jane
"I'd really rather not, thanks all the same."
>give scrapple to jane
Jane looks a little nauseous.
>give lettuce to jane
"Oh. Thankyou so much."
Jane takes the lettuce leaf, smiles and gives you a small gift.
David Dyte (ddyte@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au).
You are in the lair of the Pirate. Exits lead east and north.
There is a small, squiggly creature here.
> X IT
It scurries away and hides out of sight as you look directly at it--but not before you manage to identify it as a large virus.
(On a later turn.)
You hear a slight scratching sound.
You turn your head and look, aghast, as the virus, previously hidden, burrows into one of the walls with rapid speed. You blink in amazement at the sight behind the woodwork--not more wood, but bizarre chains of letters and numbers!
Opening its jaws wide, the virus consumes one of the chains at random. A second later, a slightly different chain emerges from its bottom--apparently its waste products.
> LOOK
You are in th lids of the Pirsde. Edfts*lead essr nd ou h.
> LOOK
Y u re2 d ddsdaf sd fo the pirsde. dw9er90dfs(d dnada di
> LOOK
Ydsf fds re undefined
> EAST
You are outside the Lair. You can reenter to the west.
There is a crackling sound from the west. The corruption is spreading!
> LOOK
Ydu dre *ussade tle L3z . You can renvfi to ehe rest.
> LOOK
tdslkj sdfj sdofjscxv .z90783 xc 12#5 bsmcd(d^Cther's no walrusman here!
dfYOUHAVEBEEN H*CKED BY KEWL D00D!
The virus eats away at the fabric of reality... basically you have outrun the damage until you can get an Antivirus going (the ONLY thing TOTALLY immune to the effects of the virus; and once you turn it on the damage disappears altogether). Or find the Pirate (I'm not gonna describe him too, you can only go so far at 3:15 AM) and sacrifice him to the virus too. Actually maybe that wouldn't do anything, it'd just be satisfying as hell...
Maybe the time period would be very short before the virus damage destroyed the world entirely; then you wouldn't have to worry about writing routines to corrupt too many rooms/objects.
Jon (enoto@ucla.edu).
Manny, the were-mongoose. (Is this pushing the "no magic" envelope? Oh well..)
Manny, most of the time, is a short, pudgy man, who has rather a lot of hair, sweats heavily, and speaks with a thick Brooklyn accent. Sometimes he carries a Tommy gun* around with him, in his job as mob enforcer. However, on one trip to India he took "back when I wuz in the army", he was bitten by a wild mongoose when the moon was full, turning him into ... a were-mongoose. As I said, he looks like a normal person, usually. But whenever he sees (or thinks he sees) a cobra, viper, or other snake, he instantly shrinks, hair sprouts, and he becomes a fairly normal-looking mongoose. As a mongoose, he is instinguishable from all other mongooses**, except that he continues to speak perfectly good English (no accent anymore, oddly).
He is not too bright, and inclined to be gruff with strangers, but unless they're carrying a reptile, he'll be at least polite.
*Or maybe that's not what I'm thinking of. One of those gangster firearms, that get carried in violin cases.
** I believe that's the correct plural.
Dan Shiovitz (scythe@u.washington.edu).
Two short yellow furred frowning Zaks stand fuming in the middle of the road, blocking the way to all passers-by. One has 'North going' written on his front, the other 'South going.'
>ask [North/South Zak][Zaks] about [North/South]
The North-going Zak replies: I'm a north going Zak, and I go north. I'm not going to budge, not one inch. The South-going Zak interrupts: And I'm a south going Zak who goes South. Only south. Not East, not West, but South. If this north-going Zak thinks I'm going to move out of his way, he has another thing coming.
I'd be inclined to leave them there and have the player have to work around them. But perhaps it'd be more text-adventurish if the player had to sort out their problems for them. Probably doing it purely by negotiation, and by asking them lots of questions, and by suggesting things to them softly and gently. I guess each of the two would have different states, and what they say and what they do depends on the state they are in. Maybe the clue for what to say to get them out of this initial confrontation will be something you pick up elsewhere. Or maybe you find a star-bellied-Sneetch machine.
L. J. Wischik (ljw1004@thor.cam.ac.uk).
There is a Vehement Vegetarian here.
>EXAMINE VEGETARIAN
The vegetarian is looking especially vehement today. From a glossy crop of hair to healthy-looking fingernails, it appears as if the vegetarian knows a thing or two about nutrition. The vegetarian notices that you're carrying a meat by-product and frowns vehemently.
>EXAMINE MEAT BY-PRODUCT
Despite the TOFU label you stuck on the meat by-product, it's pretty obvious that it is more related to a carcass than a mutilated soy plant.
>EXAMINE CARROT
The carrot is hiding in your coat pocket. "Don't let me be eaten!" it begs in a pathetic, orange voice.
Roger Carbol (uq775@freenet.Victoria.BC.CA).
Peggy Sue
>examine peggy
Before you stands a beautiful, freshly-shorn ewe. Her fleece is a beautiful silvery grey, while her face and lower legs are jet-black. Her abdomen is distended in what is unmistakeably late pregnancy (you're sure she's going to have triplets, she so huge, and she's a big girl to begin with).
Beautiful golden brown sheep eyes, with their peculiar horizontally-slanted pupils, look at you adoringly (and, you think, calculatedly) as she ambles over and rubs her head against your leg.
>scratch peggy
Where do you want to scratch her?
>neck
Peggy Sue almost purrs as she stretches out her neck, enjoying the attention. (This ewe must surely think she's a dog!)
Observing that you don't have the plastic orange McDonald's Halloween bucket she knows to be the grain bucket, she begins to search your back pockets for anything edible.
>go east
You can't get anywhere with Peggy Sue following you, getting in your way, bumping her head against your backside, and generally making a nuisance of herself. (You seem to recall that she likes grain...)
>drop corn
A stampede of pregnant ewes (plus a couple of tame wethered goats) comes out of nowhere, competing with Peggy Sue for the delicious golden grains of maize.
>go east
Peggy Sue is more interested in food than attention. As you leave, you notice a flock of varied-coloured chickens hastening to join the sheep at the grain.
This is based on a real animal, one of my currently-pregnant ewes. She really does act this way, too. She will find and eat anything edible you happen to have on your person (adventurers, guard your food rations!), and she'll follow you around, being a general pest, until you give her something to eat.
If you show up *with* the orange plastic McDonald's Halloween bucket, all the pregnant ewes (plus a couple of tame wethered goats) will stampede toward you. (A rather imposing sight. Watch your toes!) They will crowd around, trying to get to the bucket. One of the goats may even jump up on you like a dog would, getting mud (and other unmentionable material) wherever his hooves land. If you don't have grain, eventually they get bored and go away. Except Peggy Sue.
Bonni Mierzejewska (u6ed4@wvnvm.wvnet.edu).
Ok, here's my contribution. You have been travelling to the past. The year is 1637.
Slowly the world is coming back into your head again. You smell salty water. You hear the wind is blowing outside the wooden sideboards. And suddenly you remember last night's bar somewehere in the harbour of Amsterdam, where you've been drinking with this interesting stranger. This doesn't look too good.
>look
You seem to be somewhere under the deck of a sailing ship. You're not feeling too well about it. It probably is some sort of pirate's ship. Besides, your stomach is upset.
From above you hear a strange sound. "Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
>x wristwatch
The year is 1637.
"Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
>inventory
You're relieved to see that they haven't taken your possesions. You have a lamp and a bag in which is a gas filled shock absorber and a small peace of dry bread.
"Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
>x shock absorber
It is is a normal tube shaped shock absorber designed for use on that all terrain bike you left in 1996.
[...]
>up
At last you find your way to the deck. The salty smell pokes in your nose. The wind gushes through your ears. The sunlight makes the drumming in your head even worse. Peering through your eyes you see the source of those sounds: it's the captain, pacing up and down the deck.
"Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
>x captain
Ofcourse he's holding some sort of map and a telescope. This is what captains do. But the most distiguishing features about him are his legs. They're both made of wood. His left leg is quite thin, which makes it possible to move swiftly. His right leg is thick and heavy, apparently for greater stability.
"Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
>ask captain about his legs
"Shut up! I'm thinking. Get me something for my headache. Be useful."
>give shock absorber to captain
He looks at you suspiciously, but then his face breaks in a broad grin as he grabs the shock absorber.
"This is incredible", he says, "it was just the thing I was thinking about."
He give you his map, which turns out to be some sort of construction drawing for a new leg. The captain kabooms away to look for the carpenter.
"Pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok kaboom, pok".
[...]
Kees Wiebering (wiebering@saluton.iaf.nl).
Off to the side of the [path--or whatever] you see a large puddle of an unknown liquid. An eerie glow shines from within its depths.
>EXAMINE PUDDLE
You have trouble making anything clearly out within the puddle. The substance moves very slowly, more like molasses than water. An unknown orange light source inside the gel throbs with power.
>PUT [ALMOST ANYTHING] IN PUDDLE
The [object] sinks into the murky depths, never to be seen again.
>PUT [SOME OBJECT] IN PUDDLE
The [object] falls deeper and deeper into the puddle, until you cannot make it out. Suddenly, a large bubble begins to rise from within the gelatinous substance. When this bubble reaches the brim of the water, it releases a sound: "THANKYA!"
You feel somehow blessed.
Jonathan Fry (jfry@saims.skidmore.edu).
Julian Arnold (jools@arnod.demon.co.uk).